summer camp

So we got the news today Joe got a partial scholarship for BMX camp. He was so excited - he put some much into the application. Mind you, this is not a camp for disabled children. This is hardcore. BMX, skateboard, snowboard, the works. 7 days, sleep away four hours from mommmy. Four hours from mom laying out the clothes, gently prodding him along with his morning routine. Yeah I am having a panic attack and we have 5 months to go. When I called the camp to inquire as to the program, they told me they have free time all afternoon. Free time? My boy needs structure. Even though recently at a CSE meeting I was told by the cse chair, after explaining our need for routine and the result of no routine or a twist in same (as most ADD children need), that "even though I dont have any children, it sounds more like his personality rather than his disability: to which I muttered under my breathe "you dont have children or brains. Maybe I do too much for him, I dont know. He is after all my baby, the last of my children I will ever give birth to during this lifetime. On one hand I want to turn the clock back to when my irish twins were toddlers. Life was crazy but little boys brought little problems. We didnt worry about science fair projects and human body tests. Just the other day I saw a severally handicapped boy trying to cross the street. I had to stop and thank God for my Joe. I have to hold his hand, and lay out his clothes and control his temper tantrums. I have to help him read signs and read books. But I know he will succeed. I said to Max the other day, Lord we are going to have him for the rest of our lives living with us and he said who cares? You know what? he was right. Now I hate to admit when Max is right. But he was - like in the movie Blind Side "how did those words feel coming out your mouth? Like vinegar." But hey look at that kid - he made it without a mom like me. I'm sure Joe can do the same.

New Year's Resolutions...

Yes its that time again to make a new year's resolution. And not the same one as every year - lost weight, get organized, blah, blah, blah. Of course it is part of my resolution to get back into shape although Lord knows I will never be in the same shape I was in while I was in my 20s. but I can try and I actually enjoy exercising. This time I am seriously going to try and incorporate the whole organic way of eating into it. This is difficult but I know some people out there who can help me. My true resolution is to find balance in my life. Yes I recently watched Eat Pray Love and yes I want to go to Italy and Bali. Actually I want to move to a vineyard in Italy but that's a whole other resolution. But I think I will start here at home. I need to find that balance between motherhood and me. Yeah I hear it all the time you're such a good mother, you're the best mom , and yes it's nice to hear and yes I work very hard at mothering but there are other parts to me. I am not just a mother. I am so much more and I want to work on those for the new year. Don't worry I'm not taking on multiple personalities just trying to be the best I can.

Thanksgivings...

Yes I am thankful for all the generic givings of the season - food, clothing, shelter (although it may be taken over by Stop and Shop soon) but most of all I am thankful for non material things this year. I am thankful to have James in a great school where he can excel, where he can find himself and grow into that well mannered young man that I always envisioned him to become. The Church where his school is located has become a great source of comfort to us all. I have in essence gone back to Church and it feels good. You should try it. I am thankful for JoJoe's progress, as slow as it is. I still spend many nights awake worrying about him but I know I am doing all I can for my baby. He is also maturing into a great person. I just wish his reading would grow at the same rate. I am thankful for family (well most of them) and thankful that I can separate myself from the bullshit of some family members and just be me. I have also matured enough to realize if they dont like me, that is ok. I am thankful for the good health of the people close to me and thankful that I am finally able to take steps to correct the Princess' health problems. I am thankful there is light at the end of the tunnel for Nurse Jackie in her education. She has worked so hard and I could not be prouder of her. I am thankful to have my girls and see them love each other so much. I am thankful for my friends, old and new and the ability to know who are my true friends. I have to admit life is good and I am thankful.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

So its my birthday and yes I am getting older but its not the number that bothers me so much as the way things seem to be moving too quickly. A high school friend recently blogged about turning this dreaded number and it really hit home. I dont care that I am now 46 you see I can even say it out loud. The thought of 50 is sickening so I am trying to hold on to 40s. It's getting harder and harder every day. In one sense I want to see my son grow and progress and yet I want to keep them close for fear of anything bad happening to them. Those beautiful teens killed on their way to work at Camp Anchor hit too close to home for me. Now with the princess moving out to the big city, I know I will never sleep soundly again. Dont get me wrong - I am happy for her. This is it - she is on the verge of making it. Independence is what we strive for. I should be proud to say I've raised two beautiful girls. Nurse Jackie is everything I wanted her to be and the Princess, well she is the princess. But as we shop for apartments in the nyc on Saturday I may try to hold her hand for just a little bit longer and hug her for just one more minute knowing that not only am I letting go but also growing up.

Is it fair?

It seems like everyone wants to talk about fair these days - is it fair ? does it seem fair? will that be fair? Well, I have to tell you I dont always feel like things are "fair". Is it fair that my son and I were put on this path of LD together? Is it fair that his disability should impact everyone else's life? No, its not fair. We deserve to be happy. I'm not asking for special treatment for him, I just want him to be treated fairly. Period. thats it. That would be fair. Some days I wonder, why me? And then I think I am a better person for being on this path. Joe has taught me so much. Oh there are days I become frustrated and angry, yes even angry. But I try to regroup and make some changes. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for my last born. He has taught me to look at people differently simply by being "special". His heart seems to be so delicate at times it makes me want to cry. And I do. I cry, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of anger and sometimes just to let it out. I dont know if we all were able to pick our paths if I would have chosen this one. But Im on this ride, good, bad or fair and Im going to make the best of it. Hopefully I will make some positive changes for kids like Joe in the future. And if along the way I am able to help a fellow parent, that would be "fair" too!!

Hump day

I looked up hump day in urban dictionary and they define hump day as the middle of a work week; used in the context of climbing a proverbial hill to get through a tough week. That just about sums it up. Although I technically dont"work" until the end of the week, my work never seems to be truly done. I am tired, very tired. And I am trying to climb that hill. I have made some progress but I have to admit sometimes I want to give up and go back down the hill. I am tried of trying so hard to get my son the help he needs. Last week I took him to a screening at IDA. It was a long day with many detours. We stopped at Central Park so Joe could skateboard and climb the rocks. I, with kindle in hand, thought I could read a few pages but my watchful eyes kept drifting to Joe for fear that someone would snatch him. Last night I got a call about a man trying to lure children into his van with a happy meal - now does that seem right? a happy meal? Like I said, times are changing. But back to my climb. After our trip to Central Park, we visited the Ripley's museum in Times Square. Of course, we had to buy a souvenir and not discover it was broken until we arrive back on Long Island. So yesterday while in NYC (again) in the rain, the pouring rain, I trudge back up to Times Square to return the broken souvenir. My girlfriend laughed at me "all of my son's problems and you're worried about a pen?" But it wasn't about the pen. It was about the climb. The climb I am on with him. I didn't want The day we spent together in NYC to be tarnished by a broken $5 pen. I try so hard to make everything right for Joe. Sometimes I think I try too hard. Am I giving too much to him and not enough to his brother? Well the climb continues today. I see many familiar faces on my climb and encourage them to "keep climbing". Have a great day and p.s. stop for a rest along the climb and enjoy.

Times are changin,

I have noticed a change. And its not for the better - the change in people. A couple of weeks ago I had a biking accident. Pretty good fall but the worst part had to be that not one single car stopped to help me or even ask to help me. Not until I was half way home did another cyclist pull up next to me to comment "wow, that was some fall". I survived thankfully, haven't gotten back on that bike yet but I have started exercising again. The cuts and bruises will heal. But a little more compassion would be nice - all around. Take for instance the woman insistently honking at me during drop off at school. And then to make matters worse, she opens her door to exit her car toward me. What is this world coming to? I wanted a Kindle for mother's day and of course my daughter ordered me a kindle. I in turn ordered a cover for it. The other day there was a box delivered from Amazon and I automatically presumed it was my cover. No, it was another kindle delivered to the wrong address. I found the house and gave it to the proper recepient. The neighbor was in shock at my actions. Really? A little kindness goes a long way. Couldn't we all just try a little tenderness? Maybe lay off the horn. Let that person with the blinker on come over into your lane during a merge. Try a little today and let me know.