It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

So its my birthday and yes I am getting older but its not the number that bothers me so much as the way things seem to be moving too quickly. A high school friend recently blogged about turning this dreaded number and it really hit home. I dont care that I am now 46 you see I can even say it out loud. The thought of 50 is sickening so I am trying to hold on to 40s. It's getting harder and harder every day. In one sense I want to see my son grow and progress and yet I want to keep them close for fear of anything bad happening to them. Those beautiful teens killed on their way to work at Camp Anchor hit too close to home for me. Now with the princess moving out to the big city, I know I will never sleep soundly again. Dont get me wrong - I am happy for her. This is it - she is on the verge of making it. Independence is what we strive for. I should be proud to say I've raised two beautiful girls. Nurse Jackie is everything I wanted her to be and the Princess, well she is the princess. But as we shop for apartments in the nyc on Saturday I may try to hold her hand for just a little bit longer and hug her for just one more minute knowing that not only am I letting go but also growing up.

Is it fair?

It seems like everyone wants to talk about fair these days - is it fair ? does it seem fair? will that be fair? Well, I have to tell you I dont always feel like things are "fair". Is it fair that my son and I were put on this path of LD together? Is it fair that his disability should impact everyone else's life? No, its not fair. We deserve to be happy. I'm not asking for special treatment for him, I just want him to be treated fairly. Period. thats it. That would be fair. Some days I wonder, why me? And then I think I am a better person for being on this path. Joe has taught me so much. Oh there are days I become frustrated and angry, yes even angry. But I try to regroup and make some changes. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for my last born. He has taught me to look at people differently simply by being "special". His heart seems to be so delicate at times it makes me want to cry. And I do. I cry, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of anger and sometimes just to let it out. I dont know if we all were able to pick our paths if I would have chosen this one. But Im on this ride, good, bad or fair and Im going to make the best of it. Hopefully I will make some positive changes for kids like Joe in the future. And if along the way I am able to help a fellow parent, that would be "fair" too!!

Hump day

I looked up hump day in urban dictionary and they define hump day as the middle of a work week; used in the context of climbing a proverbial hill to get through a tough week. That just about sums it up. Although I technically dont"work" until the end of the week, my work never seems to be truly done. I am tired, very tired. And I am trying to climb that hill. I have made some progress but I have to admit sometimes I want to give up and go back down the hill. I am tried of trying so hard to get my son the help he needs. Last week I took him to a screening at IDA. It was a long day with many detours. We stopped at Central Park so Joe could skateboard and climb the rocks. I, with kindle in hand, thought I could read a few pages but my watchful eyes kept drifting to Joe for fear that someone would snatch him. Last night I got a call about a man trying to lure children into his van with a happy meal - now does that seem right? a happy meal? Like I said, times are changing. But back to my climb. After our trip to Central Park, we visited the Ripley's museum in Times Square. Of course, we had to buy a souvenir and not discover it was broken until we arrive back on Long Island. So yesterday while in NYC (again) in the rain, the pouring rain, I trudge back up to Times Square to return the broken souvenir. My girlfriend laughed at me "all of my son's problems and you're worried about a pen?" But it wasn't about the pen. It was about the climb. The climb I am on with him. I didn't want The day we spent together in NYC to be tarnished by a broken $5 pen. I try so hard to make everything right for Joe. Sometimes I think I try too hard. Am I giving too much to him and not enough to his brother? Well the climb continues today. I see many familiar faces on my climb and encourage them to "keep climbing". Have a great day and p.s. stop for a rest along the climb and enjoy.

Times are changin,

I have noticed a change. And its not for the better - the change in people. A couple of weeks ago I had a biking accident. Pretty good fall but the worst part had to be that not one single car stopped to help me or even ask to help me. Not until I was half way home did another cyclist pull up next to me to comment "wow, that was some fall". I survived thankfully, haven't gotten back on that bike yet but I have started exercising again. The cuts and bruises will heal. But a little more compassion would be nice - all around. Take for instance the woman insistently honking at me during drop off at school. And then to make matters worse, she opens her door to exit her car toward me. What is this world coming to? I wanted a Kindle for mother's day and of course my daughter ordered me a kindle. I in turn ordered a cover for it. The other day there was a box delivered from Amazon and I automatically presumed it was my cover. No, it was another kindle delivered to the wrong address. I found the house and gave it to the proper recepient. The neighbor was in shock at my actions. Really? A little kindness goes a long way. Couldn't we all just try a little tenderness? Maybe lay off the horn. Let that person with the blinker on come over into your lane during a merge. Try a little today and let me know.

Happiness?

I stumbled across a link to a website called the happiness project. So now it is a project to get happy? It reminds me of the old Partridge Family song "come on get happy". How I loved David Cassidy, well, anyway I'm showing my age and my daughters would say that is creepy. Back to happiness - I want to be happy, most days I am happy, I know I deserve happiness but I thnk it is tough in these times to be truly happy. Struggles, conflicts, worries. Apparently this woman tries to have a better outlook on things. I might give it a shot. I think I started last night when Tor got home from school and told me she accidentially threw away her monthly railroad pass valued at $235. I didn't freak out, no, not one tiny bit. I was a little surprised at myself. I even looked for the receipt, which prompted me to start to declutter my "desk". That made me happy. I went for a bike ride this morning, that made me happy. I've been able to stick to my diet or healthy eating plan but that doesn't make me all that happy. I miss the wine, I miss the chips, I miss the leftover Easter candy so no I can't lie I'm not really that happy. Although my son this morning tried to convince me of how lucky I was that I didn't have get up and go to school. I am happy to be able to sleep in. Actually the happiest moment may very well have been seeing his little shaved head right up in my face kissing me good bye.

Broadway

I had the privilege of seeing a Broadway show yesterday with my Toria. I say privilege because no where else in the country do they have such a place as Broadway in Manhattan. For those non New Yorkers who may never get to experience Broadway first hand, I offer you my sincere condolences. I literally could have made an American Express commercial yesgtereday it was that "Priceless". $100. for 2 third row orchestra seat tickets, dinner and starbucks while people watching in times Square, spending a Sunday in the City with your 18 year old daughter - priceless. These are the times I will remember forever. While we saw a rather "dark" show, it perhaps made me more aware of how lucky I am. Blessed in fact to have these beautiful young women to call my daughters. Blessed with my two boys and most of blessed to be here in New York and taking advantage of all that it has to offer me.

Autism awareness

Last night, just by chance while flicking the remote around, I found a documentary on autism. It involved a young boy, maybe 11 or 12, with a severe case of autism. The documentary travels with the family as they try to find out more about autism and what they can do to unlock their son, Keli, from his world of non communication. My heart broke for this family, to watch the struggles and see the parent's faces. The boy is adorable and I believe rather intelligent. I realized two sad facts from this presentation: 1-there are programs, really good programs out there for children with autism just not readily available to everyone and 2-there is not enough funding for research in autism. The family travelled to California where it seems there are plenty of programs. I found some very interesting points from the show and the work they are doing in CA. One on one work with these children is the only effective way to break through to them. You must start early. You should sit on the right side of the child when working with him. It was amazing to see these children able to communicate. They are transformed from non verbal misdiagnosed children to communicators. One young man was so brilliant he won 4th place in a google contest with stocks. His rate of return was something like 24% on the stocks that he managed. Amazing. And the doctors tell these parents to put them in institutions when they are born because they will never succeed. These children with aspergers are the genuises of the future. There was also a family in CA with three boys with autism and twin girls typical development. I found it disturbing to see the mother feeding the boys junk food with chemicals and processed food, and soda with sugar and caffeine. Maybe its me but I believe there is a connection between healthy, organic food and the way a child learns. Another interesting topic which was covered was the children who are born verbal and then for some reason at around 3 years of age suddenly regress. Why? Environmental? Vaccinations? No one knows. And unfortunately we might not know for a long time because of the fact that research is not funded the way research for breast cancer and alzheimers is funded. Adults have these diseases and working adults can support the research. However, because autism affects children whose parents are simply trying to cope with the hand they have been dealt and can't really donate to find a cure. That is why autism awareness is so important. A cure needs to be found - immediately. Im not saying stop researching cancer but these children are our future. Let's get them healthy so they can find a cure for cancer. Some of the brightest minds are locked up right now by autism. Let's open them up. If you get the chance, try and watch this documentary. It tops American Idol - anytime.