my amazing moment.

I was at Mass on Sunday with James. And had a moment. When they announced the name of the next hymn, I perked up. It was Amazing Grace. Don't you love that one? I get chills when I hear it. I wanted to jump up and start belting it out but knowing I don't have the musical talent of the Princess, I remained seated and hummed along while watching James on the altar. It was indeed amazing and I , of course, started to tear up. I pray every week at Mass for patience, that is it, just patience. Not to win the lottery or win a lacrosse game, just patience and love for all. Sounds simple, I know. Although a little winning is never a bad thing. But that's all the Lord can really help us with. You see he has no control over the lottery or even the evil acts that people commit. I sat in the very same church that a couple of years ago a beloved clergyman, Father Larry was shot down by a disturbed man. God couldn't have prevented it, just like he couldn't have stopped the attacks on 9/11. My God didn't allow those things to happen. Evil people committed these horrible acts. Just last week James informed me after serving at the confirmation mass that he wanted to become a bishop. Not a priest first, but straight to Bishop. I asked him why and he said because I get to carry a big stick. I told him that one doesn't need a big stick to be important. I have a funny feeling the stick he will carry in life will be 10x the size of that Bishop's staff and he will use it wisely. Respect comes to those with and without big sticks. I also reminded him that sometimes people can abuse the power of carrying the big stick. I had to wonder whether our world leader has asked for spiritual guidance and if he thinks the Good Lord has told him to bomb Libya. I doubt it. All those billions of dollars spent killing people and destroying a nation could have been better spent right here at home fixing our education system. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

The roller coaster ride

It's been quite a week - a rollercoaster of emotions. First I watched as my daughter left for Europe, young and carefree, packing only hours before the plane was scheduled to depart. I listened to the joy in my daughter's voice as she told me she passsed her licensing exam. I listened to the team of psychologists tell me my son will need support and services for the rest of his education. I then had to tell him that any hopes he had of going onto private school were over. I watched as he sobbed and I couldn't comfort him. All the services in the world aren't going to cure his executive function disorder nor his dyslexia. Perhaps medication will help with the ADD but I have always been hesitant about medicating children. It's something us parents struggle with. Does the good outweigh the negative side effects? Then I watched as my son was inducted into his new role in his church as an alter server. I stood on the alter with him and looked out and saw my husband and my parents. I would have liked to have seen the rest of my family but I know we are all growing and moving on. I felt they were all there in spirit with us, whether in Paris or not. Finally, I quit my job. With everything going on around me, I couldn't have one more demand placed upon me. I had reached my breaking point. I must now help my son. No job in the world is more important.

summer camp

So we got the news today Joe got a partial scholarship for BMX camp. He was so excited - he put some much into the application. Mind you, this is not a camp for disabled children. This is hardcore. BMX, skateboard, snowboard, the works. 7 days, sleep away four hours from mommmy. Four hours from mom laying out the clothes, gently prodding him along with his morning routine. Yeah I am having a panic attack and we have 5 months to go. When I called the camp to inquire as to the program, they told me they have free time all afternoon. Free time? My boy needs structure. Even though recently at a CSE meeting I was told by the cse chair, after explaining our need for routine and the result of no routine or a twist in same (as most ADD children need), that "even though I dont have any children, it sounds more like his personality rather than his disability: to which I muttered under my breathe "you dont have children or brains. Maybe I do too much for him, I dont know. He is after all my baby, the last of my children I will ever give birth to during this lifetime. On one hand I want to turn the clock back to when my irish twins were toddlers. Life was crazy but little boys brought little problems. We didnt worry about science fair projects and human body tests. Just the other day I saw a severally handicapped boy trying to cross the street. I had to stop and thank God for my Joe. I have to hold his hand, and lay out his clothes and control his temper tantrums. I have to help him read signs and read books. But I know he will succeed. I said to Max the other day, Lord we are going to have him for the rest of our lives living with us and he said who cares? You know what? he was right. Now I hate to admit when Max is right. But he was - like in the movie Blind Side "how did those words feel coming out your mouth? Like vinegar." But hey look at that kid - he made it without a mom like me. I'm sure Joe can do the same.

New Year's Resolutions...

Yes its that time again to make a new year's resolution. And not the same one as every year - lost weight, get organized, blah, blah, blah. Of course it is part of my resolution to get back into shape although Lord knows I will never be in the same shape I was in while I was in my 20s. but I can try and I actually enjoy exercising. This time I am seriously going to try and incorporate the whole organic way of eating into it. This is difficult but I know some people out there who can help me. My true resolution is to find balance in my life. Yes I recently watched Eat Pray Love and yes I want to go to Italy and Bali. Actually I want to move to a vineyard in Italy but that's a whole other resolution. But I think I will start here at home. I need to find that balance between motherhood and me. Yeah I hear it all the time you're such a good mother, you're the best mom , and yes it's nice to hear and yes I work very hard at mothering but there are other parts to me. I am not just a mother. I am so much more and I want to work on those for the new year. Don't worry I'm not taking on multiple personalities just trying to be the best I can.

Thanksgivings...

Yes I am thankful for all the generic givings of the season - food, clothing, shelter (although it may be taken over by Stop and Shop soon) but most of all I am thankful for non material things this year. I am thankful to have James in a great school where he can excel, where he can find himself and grow into that well mannered young man that I always envisioned him to become. The Church where his school is located has become a great source of comfort to us all. I have in essence gone back to Church and it feels good. You should try it. I am thankful for JoJoe's progress, as slow as it is. I still spend many nights awake worrying about him but I know I am doing all I can for my baby. He is also maturing into a great person. I just wish his reading would grow at the same rate. I am thankful for family (well most of them) and thankful that I can separate myself from the bullshit of some family members and just be me. I have also matured enough to realize if they dont like me, that is ok. I am thankful for the good health of the people close to me and thankful that I am finally able to take steps to correct the Princess' health problems. I am thankful there is light at the end of the tunnel for Nurse Jackie in her education. She has worked so hard and I could not be prouder of her. I am thankful to have my girls and see them love each other so much. I am thankful for my friends, old and new and the ability to know who are my true friends. I have to admit life is good and I am thankful.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

So its my birthday and yes I am getting older but its not the number that bothers me so much as the way things seem to be moving too quickly. A high school friend recently blogged about turning this dreaded number and it really hit home. I dont care that I am now 46 you see I can even say it out loud. The thought of 50 is sickening so I am trying to hold on to 40s. It's getting harder and harder every day. In one sense I want to see my son grow and progress and yet I want to keep them close for fear of anything bad happening to them. Those beautiful teens killed on their way to work at Camp Anchor hit too close to home for me. Now with the princess moving out to the big city, I know I will never sleep soundly again. Dont get me wrong - I am happy for her. This is it - she is on the verge of making it. Independence is what we strive for. I should be proud to say I've raised two beautiful girls. Nurse Jackie is everything I wanted her to be and the Princess, well she is the princess. But as we shop for apartments in the nyc on Saturday I may try to hold her hand for just a little bit longer and hug her for just one more minute knowing that not only am I letting go but also growing up.

Is it fair?

It seems like everyone wants to talk about fair these days - is it fair ? does it seem fair? will that be fair? Well, I have to tell you I dont always feel like things are "fair". Is it fair that my son and I were put on this path of LD together? Is it fair that his disability should impact everyone else's life? No, its not fair. We deserve to be happy. I'm not asking for special treatment for him, I just want him to be treated fairly. Period. thats it. That would be fair. Some days I wonder, why me? And then I think I am a better person for being on this path. Joe has taught me so much. Oh there are days I become frustrated and angry, yes even angry. But I try to regroup and make some changes. I would not be the person I am today if it were not for my last born. He has taught me to look at people differently simply by being "special". His heart seems to be so delicate at times it makes me want to cry. And I do. I cry, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of anger and sometimes just to let it out. I dont know if we all were able to pick our paths if I would have chosen this one. But Im on this ride, good, bad or fair and Im going to make the best of it. Hopefully I will make some positive changes for kids like Joe in the future. And if along the way I am able to help a fellow parent, that would be "fair" too!!